Guide to Networking For People Who Hate Networking

I’ve never met anyone who claims to love networking anywhere, let alone in academia. We are wielding double-edged swords: book-smart got us into the room but now it’s preventing us from networking.

Like everyone, I believed that the right doors would open if my grades were good enough. The idea of building a network sounds superficial. Stupid even. “I can come up with 5 arguments against rubbing shoulders in 1,000 words” I thought.

But now as I’m applying for graduate school, I noticed a pattern with successful applicants: they all knew so-and-so from the department of x or a certain professor as the head of y.

“Sometimes it only takes a chat over coffee to save you hours of rummaging through that god-awful university site” said B: a first-year Ph.D. candidate.

And then it made sense to me. Since institutions are made up of people, we still have to go through the people who make the rules when we take our shot. But at the same time, we don’t want to come off as too eager either. People in power see straight through that neediness.

I remember my first networking attempt, which went wrong. I was a freshman who had the balls to approach an associate professor and asked him if he needed a research assistant. He took one look at me and told me to be a good little boy and keep hitting the books.

Sometimes it takes a humiliation to earn a lesson. My lesson was that I did not have enough identity capital at the time.

Have a Side Gig, Tell A Story

Identity Capital is a concept covered in Dr. Meg Jay’s book: The Defining Decade (a brilliant book for anyone in their twenties), and it’s another way of describing achievements beyond grades that encapsulate your ability.

Let’s be real. At a graduate level, the committee flicks through hundreds of straight-A transcripts. Being smart is no longer enough. It only gets us into the room. Now it’s time to show off the desirable abilities you’ve developed outside of the classroom.  

I’m very lucky to have nearly 8-years of experience in online education. It’s a significant piece of identity capital and it opened up many doors recently. Now I can show up to networking nights with a good story as people’s eyes brighten up: “Tell me more about this YouTube thing”.

This is the first level of networking if you hate networking. Develop a compelling side gig that makes for a great story you can tell during networking opportunities. And the second level is to ask for favours in the right way.

Bet on Small Favours

Dr. Meg Jay told the story of Benjamin Franklin’s ingenious way of doing just this: asking for a favour without coming off as desperate.  

In 1736, Benjamin Franklin needed to secure the approval of an influential member of the General Assembly. At first, this person didn’t see eye-to-eye with Franklin at all and spoke ill of him in front of the whole assembly. Though Franklin was quite hurt, he decided to put aside their rivalry for the time being.

Knowing that this person had a great taste for reading and an extensive collection of books, Benjamin Franklin wrote him a letter and requested a book from his library. The rival was surprised but sent the book anyway. A week later, Franklin sent it back with a note of appreciation.

The next day at the Parliament, to Franklin’s surprise, his then-rival came up to him and said hello. Over time, the two grew closer and resolved their tension via small favours. This is why Ben Franklin later wrote:

"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

Just like you’d never ask someone to marry you after a coffee date, sometimes asking for a giant favour directly can come off as too much. Instead, understand what excites them and ask for a small favour in that area. More often than not people are happy to help using their greatest strengths.

Before I reach out to a professor, I always make sure to survey everything they’ve published and ask to pick their brain. If all goes well, a small consultation over coffee will inevitably turn into a multi-hour-long chat.

And the best part? The friendships that come out of these “networking” chats will one day outlast all our professional achievements, and they are anything but superficial.

While you’re at it, do me a favour and read The Defining Decade by Meg Jay. It’s brilliant.

Until next week

Robin